Groucho Marx Quotes

Groucho Marx was born Julius Henry “Groucho” Marx in The United States of America. He was a star for both TV and film (where the bulk of Groucho Marx quotes are used), and doubled up as an established comedian as well. You cannot talk of modern era top comedians without mentioning Groucho Marx. He was especially proficient in the art of quick wit. Born in New York, United States on 2nd October 1890, he also founded the Marx Brothers music group. Groucho Marx quotes are very popular among comics. He insisted that besides a dog, man’s best friend is a book.

Groucho Marx Quotes

  • I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it.

  •  Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.Groucho Marx Quotes

  •  The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.Groucho Marx Quotes

  •  One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.

  •  Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

  •  Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

  •  I didn’t like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions – the curtain was up.

Groucho Marx Quotes

  •  In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

  •  Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

  •  My favourite poem is the one that starts ‘Thirty days hath September’ because it actually tells you something.

  •  I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

  •  No man goes before his time – unless the boss leaves early.

  •  I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

Groucho Marx Quotes

  •  The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution – this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.

  •  Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

  •  A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

  •  Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

  •  I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn’t educate America if they started at 6:30.

  •  I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

Groucho Marx Quotes

  •  I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.

  •  A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

  •  I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

  •  It isn’t necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

  •  There’s one way to find out if a man is honest – ask him. If he says, ‘Yes,’ you know he is a crook.

  •  Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.

Groucho Marx Quotes

  •  A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

  •  Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

  •  A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

  •  Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.

  •  Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.Groucho Marx Quotes

  •  Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

  •  She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.

  •  Before I speak, I have something important to say.

  •  Women should be obscene and not heard.

  •  Humor is reason gone mad.Groucho Marx Quotes

  •  Please accept my resignation. I don’t care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.

  •  If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

  •  I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

  •  Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.

  •  I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

  •  Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

  •  Why should I care about posterity? What’s posterity ever done for me?

  •  Well, Art is Art, isn’t it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.

  •  I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Groucho Marx Quotes

  •  I intend to live forever, or die trying.

  •  I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.

  •  I’m leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it’s not raining.

  •  I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.Groucho Marx Quotes

  •  Marry me and I’ll never look at another horse!

  •  From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.Groucho Marx Quotes

  •  If you’ve heard this story before, don’t stop me, because I’d like to hear it again.

  •  I’m not feeling very well – I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

  •  Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

  •  All people are born alike – except Republicans and Democrats.

  •  A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.

Groucho Marx Quotes

  •  I’ve got the brain of a four year old. I’ll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

  •  Politics doesn’t make strange bedfellows – marriage does.

  •  Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

  •  My mother loved children – she would have given anything if I had been one.

  •  Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

  •  Wives are people who feel they don’t dance enough.

  •  Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.

  •  Go, and never darken my towels again.

  •  I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

  •  I remember the first time I had sex – I kept the receipt

Groucho Marx Quotes

  •  Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can’t make head nor tail out of it.

  •  I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

  •  I won’t belong to any organization that would have me as a member.

  •  Room service? Send up a larger room.

  •  Why, I’d horse-whip you if I had a horse.

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